Monday, December 5, 2011

what you see is not what you get.

you shouldn't judge someone by what they look like
don't judge a book buy its cover
don't let one bad experience determine how you feel

But what if you read the person wrong
what if you thought they were nice
thought they were sweet and kind
and thought they were a really good friend
what happens when you find out the hard way that you gave to many chances
what happens when you see he was the exact opposite
what happen when you believed he could be the one to  help change you
 what if all i wanted was to be appreciated
what if all i wanted was for him to recognize that i am there
that i was always there, if i could do it i would
how do you tell one to not judge a book buy its cover after that
 i should have known after you said a few things you did
after the non trust never stopped after you doubted me constantly
i should have judged you harder i shouldn't have given u the benefit of the doubt
that you wouldn't be like the rest of the guys i encountered
i should have been more picky
i know if i could create a a time machine id change the day i meet you because it would take away all this heart ache and i wouldn't feel this pain no more

Sunday, December 4, 2011

What does sex mean now?

Some people say you should save yourself for marriage. Some people say it's okay to have sex if your protected. Some say you should be with the person you love. But does this always happen?  Do people only have sex with there husbands or wives, there boyfriends or girlfriends. Is that were sexual intercourse stops or is sex turning into a casual thing that just anyone does. It is 2011 i feel like sex has become a way to prove you like someone. Sex can be exciting adventurous but what happens after your tired of just casual sex? Can you find a person who will actually want to be in a relationship with you? Will you be able to find a man or women that will not judge you on your past and your decisions you've made? In this day and age the answer is NO. No man wants a women that every man had. And no woman wants a man that sleeps around daily.  But men take this issue more in depth because a women if she starts to fall for a man and thinks that there could be something there , even if she just like him and thinks something more she'll forget she won't care about who you've been with as long from then on it's here your with its her you texting in the morning and at night. as long its only her your having sex with from then on. To say a women trusts faster would be a understatement women trust faster and longer and harder for as long as they still want to be with you they trust the words you say and believe that you won't be the next guy to hurt them. But men on the other hand it takes them what feels like a life time to being to trust even a ounce of a women with a reputation. For men they don't mind having sex with a women that has "slept around" but when it starts to become more than that is when things get weird. A man will always second guess what a women says he won't believe it until he sees it he wont trust her no matter if she's dropped any other guy she even once talked to he doesn't believe it. But in my experience when a man finally decides that he's ready to admit how he feels and wants to trust a women its normally a little to late. because she's usually tired of trying to prove to him and decided to give up.The point of that was sex brings about an emotional attachment, some say that only happens with your first but its not true. If you continuously have sex with one person something more starts happening because its never just sex most of the time you start texting more and creating a relationship not a romantic one all the time but a friendship and that friendship is not the same as you would have with other people because  for a guy a friend he can have sex with doesn't get treated the same as a friend he can not. The friend he can't have sex with has a different type of relationship and  the friend who does have sex with sees this and wants what they have but realizes that its impossible to have that because you don't have that type of relationship and guarantee if you decide you no longer want to have sex then the entire friendship ends. Sex complicates things, I'm only 18 and i don't know everything but one thing I do know is that i wish i listened to my mother when she said save sex for the man that loves you. if i did this sex would mean something else and sex wouldn't be the highlight of every bodies opinion on who i am and who i can be.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

how to let go?

How do you let go
How do you say goodbye
How do you move on
How do you remember when all you want to do is forget
How can one day someone be here and in the next instant gone
How does it feel to know someone who meant so much to you is gone
The person you stayed up with every night with on the phone won't answer
No matter how many times you try to call
The person you spent every weekend of December 2010 with
Thanksgiving Christmas New Years Valentines day every holiday
 how can i remember with out it hurting so bad
How do you make this emptiness STOP

my question to you is how can you remember with out forgetting and with out hurting and with out crying. Its hard to replay the memories in my head and to relieve them one more time. or see that persons smile or here there voice or see a video of them anything when there no longer here, without it hurting. I don't know exactly how long it will take to not hurt and not feel empty, but i hope it  last a life time because if i feel the emptiness i know that something essential is missing in my life and  that is the people I've lost and loved so very much.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


See going to College and having a roomate thats not your sibling is alot different then "stranger". When i'm home and sharing my room its perfectly fine when my little sister and I aren't getting alone thats perfectly fine we can just fight about verbically Physically it doesnt matter after she is my sister. the most that will happen is that my mom would scream up the stairs to shut up and thats never anything important. after that we would go back to normal. NOT in college when you have a roomate and you guys happen to start not getting along, most likely they'll ignore you. They won't actually tell you something is wrong, they'll leave a  note, text you, and my favorite just not talk to you for a week. Completely pretend you don't exsist, make you feel so uncomfortable that you don't want to be anywhere near them. that's happening for me now my roomate hasn't really talked to me in a week and if she does its something awkward and nothing i want to hear about, or she does this fake shit when we have mutal friends that come around , around she'll talk to me. See i can't handle her how i'd handle my sister because im sure if i just went up to her and tackled her and hit her she wouldn't like that so much, and arguing will just rise the tention and make things work. i called my mom and she said just don't burn any bridges to late cuz this was a weak bridge as it was and it was a little shaky from the get go and soon this bridge will fall and i won't try and repair it what so ever.

Monday, October 24, 2011

A letter Lost

I can’t seem to understand
So please can you explain
How does this work this time
Because you’re so decisive
I can’t see to grasp the feeling!
 I need to know for sure
Why can’t you tell me we’ve
 Been to this place before

Something different happened
What is new??
You’re pulling away,
 Are your sure that this is you?
Do you not want to try
Is it too much pressure?
You don’t have to stay for me I’ll
Still love ya the same

In the end because
We did day thru thick or thin
When the day comes
We will meet again
I just hope this is not pretend
Of its time for you to go,
I’ll just sit back
And watch you go

A letter to Dad

Dear Daddy,
                Here we are at this road again, where did you go? Why’d you leave? It’s been six months are you coming back? I just don’t understand how you could do this to me again. You promised me, you said you weren’t leaving again. What happened, I told you I’d be here, I don’t know what to do, and you left me again, this I can’t take. It hurts me to have to think about it but here we go AGAIN! I will fight for you if you are too weak to. I will be there when you need me the most, but here’s the twist… when’s your turn? When is it your turn to fight for me? When is your turn to be my rock? When is your turn to step up to the plate, to be my Dad? Times almost up, I will start giving up! I won’t want you in my life. I feel you’re not worth is I keep trying and trying, tears have been stopped falling! I think you’re lost in this world call life, and I think you have lost your little girl. I love you none the less but it’s your turn to try, and my turn to wait

Daddy's Little Girl

Daddy I miss you
I wish I could see you every day
I wish you were around to watch me grow
I wish you where there when I turned fifteen
I hope you’ll be there when I need you the most
I want you to be here everyday of my life
I want you to be there when I cry at night
I want you to be there when that times comes
“To give me away”
Daddy I need you to be in my life
Daddy I love you
But it’s your turn to fight:
Fight for you family
Fight for your life
Fight for who you love
And if you can’t do it
I’ll do it for you
If you don’t care enough
Then I’ll fight for you
‘Cause that’s how much I love you

Daddy I can’t always be your little girl

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

How do you hide the pain?

How do i hide the pain you can see in my eyes? how can i hide the pain in my heart? how can i hide the pain thats speaks in my mind?How do i hide the tears that are obviously there? how do i hide the pain that you can just tell i have? how do i hide the pain of not knowing? How do i hide the pain of being alone? How do i hide the pain of feeling alone? How do i hide the pain of you not knowing me not knowing us not knowing the world not know...
If it were me I'd do it all again, i'd change so many actions and so many things that i done. im only 18 there shouldn't be that many things i should change. But there are. Why at 18 do i feel i've lived a life of a depressed women, like i lived the life of a major Screw up, like i amounted to nothing. I feel like i will be a failure...i feel like the doubts will overcome my dreams. I don't wanna see my dreams die and I don't want to see my hopes fade. I don't want anyone to have power over me, but how do i break free how do i let loose how do I live. how do i live my life for me and no one else. how do i change the pass without destroying my future. Can i fix cause the harder i try the least it seems to change. I'm trying so hard and I'm calling out for your help. but you can't lend me a hand you can't pull me out of this darkness you can't help me like i'd help you? what are we here for? why are we born what are we suppose to accomplish what are we suppose to do? are we all suppose change a life or two . are we all suppose to make a difference, do we make a difference. im sure i don't im sure that i never really have but i'm 18 I have time right? maybe or maybe im wrong.. im wrong to try im wrong to cry and im wrong to care and be there....

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Losing someone you love

My first experience with death happen in May of 2011 when one of my ex boyfriends passed away. I remember the day like it was yesterday May 6, 2011 roughly 4am. This day was really special to me it was my high school senior prom. But waking up that morning i felt that there was something wrong and my mom pulled me in her room and was like "I have to tell you something that you'll find out about eventually today" and I was just like "what" my mom said, "Bunk died this morning, thats why D's not here" this was not what I wanted to hear that morning I wouldn't have wanted to hear this any morning. So like the younger generation did because I didn't believe her so I checked facebook and went to his page all I seen was R.I.P.  I'll miss you so much why'd this happen to you messages on his wall. As soon as i seen the first post tears fell from my eyes like rain from the sky. I love this kid so much we broke up less then two weeks before he passed. But I couldn't stop my day, I had to put a front on all weekend my entire prom weekend I had to pretend that I wasn't hurting as bad as I knew I was. 5 months later the wound hurts just as it did on May 6, 2011. But no it didn't end there I wish it would have May 14,2011 I get off work go to my grandmas to pick up my little sister and i went to my grandmas room and was like GRANDMA YOUR BIRTHDAYS TOMORROW literally that loud at 11pm at night. Then i left 3 oclock in the morning I hear the phone ring and it was my grandpa on the line looking for my mom and said it was emergency. We'll i fell alseep and D woke me up at like 5am and iwas like your grandma passed away. once again tears fell from eyes like rain fromt he sky. I didn't know what to do what to say. I love my grandma more thank anyone else on earth like she was my bestfriend hero rolemodel anything important that what she was to me. 5 months later i still dont know how to handle it. How can someone tell you how to feel how can they tell you it will be alright when in reality you can never see your bestfriend again. My first experience and my second experience with death are the hardest and probably the lowest points in my life. With out these two people i feel lost and feel like part of me is missing. I just don't know how to cope with losing someone i love at all.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

a day in the life of this college kid

College is suppose to be about what you learn and how successful you become. that's what they teach you in high school to study hard get good grades so that college can be a breeze. I feel as a freshman i walk into this college experience alittle naive. I knew that no one was going to be here to tell me what i can and can not do but no one told me all the oppertunities that I would have to mess up my "repatation". As a freshman when guys look at you especially the upperclassmen you feel all special like people are so nice. But in reality upperclassmen look at the freshman for one of two reasons, 1. being they really can't get with an upperclassmen like them self. and 2. they feel that they seen what the upperclassmen girls look like they want to see the "fresh meat".  Me being the female i am i fail for this act, oh well this happens. So far in College i learned a couple things, don't just talk to every guy that thinks your cute, they all think your cute when they want to hit. I learned that if you do, do something that you wouldn't want everyone to know about especially when your living on a small campus such as mine watch who you do it with. The thing i feel i really learned is that going to a small college its just like High School all over again. This may be one thing I'm really going to have to get use to. I didnt like the fact in high school that everyone talked shit I'm most likely not going to enjoy it much here either. But this is life not everyone's going to like you and many people may voice this opinion. But live your life and don't worry about what those people say and everything should end up alright.